Adam: Hey.
Evan: Hey. (I imagine, of course, that we’re saying hey in quiet whispers, like they did on “Felicity.”)
Adam: Dude, have you gone to Gawker lately?
Evan: Not lately.
Adam: There’s some great stuff on their front page right now. The president of Bolivia says eating chicken makes you gay, but chicken’s also apparently going to cure cancer.
Evan: Yeah, I heard. Which creates a conundrum, since wingnut anti-gay folks also think that soy makes you gay. So we’re caught swinging on a pendulum between being carnivores and vegetarians, but unfortunately we’re swinging between two giant testicles, so, you know, hawt. Oh, Jesus Christ, Utah is going to execute someone via firing squad. Great. And Mormons were so close to convincing us they weren’t a cult. SO close. Just one pair of magic underpants and a hundred extra wives away. And one pair of magic glasses. And one angel named Moroni. And one belief that Coca-Cola constitutes sin. And one belief that every married couple that dies gets to be rulers of their own planet.
Adam: Unless they’re black…
Evan: OH right, not even Michael Steele can REALLY go to Mormon heaven. I mean, he can apply for a job there.
Adam: Well, Islamic extremists think Triscuits are for faggots, so organized religion is pretty much just maintaining its status quo for crazy.
Evan: This quote, from the imam or whatever: “It doesn’t matter what your favorite crackers or cookies are. They are not more important than the hegemonic wars the West is fighting against Islam.” Um, you have obviously not tried my Snackwells, you radical theocratic piece of shit?
Adam: Basically, what Gawker told me today was that some Catholics (as I’m assuming the Bolivian president is…because like all of South America is) think chicken makes you gay, some Muslims think Triscuits make you gay, and as long as straight people aren’t on their softball teams, gays don’t really care one way or another.
Evan: Chicken. Triscuits. Ambivalence.
Adam: Ah, good shit. Oh, this was funny too.
Evan: OMG they’re playing Marry, Fuck, Kill with the Fox & Friends crew!
Adam: Yea, and I tend to agree with every one of their choices.
Evan: That is a very hard game to play, because I can’t imagine marrying or fucking any of them under any scenario. Maybe Brian Kilmeade with a bag over his head. But still.
Adam: Leave Kimberly Guilfoyle for me.
Evan: I do not know who that is, but she is not one of the principals on Fox & Frenz
Adam: I’m not familiar with her either, but from her picture she looks like she’ll do (of course, she’ll never hold the special place in my heart that Robin Meade does). But rather than kill them all, I think it’d be fun to put them all on a deserted island together and set up cameras so that I may enjoy the outcome, a la Lord of the Flies.
Evan: I like how the writer proffers no explanation for why Steve Doocy deserves the “kill” spot, because it’s self-evident.
Adam: Same with Malkin & Glenn Beck.
Evan: YEP, just noticed with Malkin.
Adam: Oh, and that fucking hyena Bill Kristol..
Evan: Totally self-explanatory. BUT, in case you need a reminder why Malkin is not qualified for either fuck or marry, there’s always that YouTube video of her in a cheerleading uniform spazzing out trying to spell “loser” with her body.
Adam: Haha, I’ve never seen that.
Evan: Oh, every time she tries to do the “E” I lose it.
