Evan: Okay, so I’m reading this piece by Brian Cherry at one of Breitbart’s Big Dumbass sites, the Hollywood one, about how Miley Cyrus is a liberal threat to country music and…Okay, first thought?
Adam: OK, first thought, without even having read a single word of the article: what’s up with dude’s hair?
Evan: He mentions the left having problems with hygiene and anger management, yet that is the picture he chose to embody Republican sanity and finely trimmed bushes?
Adam: If it was an ironic hipster thing, then yea. But…
Evan: Right?
Adam: And in the third paragraph where he mentions “San Francisco values,” I feel compelled to ask a few questions here…
Evan: Go
Adam: What exactly differentiates “San Francisco values” from any other city’s purported value system?
Evan: As opposed to Lubbock? Gays. Literally dozens of them.
Adam: Maybe even hundreds…so, what it boils down to is “fag values?”
Evan: Right, the fag values of Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter.
Adam: Because when a straight guy sees a hot 17 year old girl writhing on a pole, the first place our minds go is “Damn…I’d really like to try some cock.”
Evan: Right, exactly. And considering the fact that he describes one of her pictures as depicting “early teen afterglow,” I’m led to wonder how he knows so much about “early teen afterglow”?
Adam: Well, he also mentioned that her pictures suggest that her audience is a “rampaging pack of pedophiles,” as if thinking that a sexually-developed teenager is attractive puts you in the same league as, say, a priest.
Evan: Wait, but remember that douchenozzle Bill Donohue from the Catholic League said that priests fucking kids wasn’t so bad because there was grass on some of them fields.
Adam: I mean, there’s a big difference between saying that a teenage pop star (who is being packaged as a little sexpot) is hot and looking at kiddie porn or being a member of the clergy.
Evan: Especially considering the grown-ass women making fools out of themselves over Justin Bieber.
Adam: But again, this girl is being sold that way. Plus, I’d assume that the majority of her actual FANS are under 18.
Evan: But Question 2: At what point has Miley Cyrus even remotely suggested that she’s going into country music?
Adam: I mean, he even quotes her saying “I’m not going to sing country music,” but his argument is basically, “Yea? Well people might still like you and THAT’S JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE.” She’s country like Jessica Simpson. There was literally NOTHING country about “Party in the USA.” She’ll probably have BT mix her next album.
Evan: BT featuring Loretta Lynn, bitchez.
Adam: And Jack White on the Theremin…
Evan: And Question 3: Is this fuckwit really not aware that after the Natalie Maines anti-Bush comments, they continued to achieve great success, and that secretly lots of country fans still listen to them. I mean, sure, in public they run over Dixie Chicks CDs with their monster truck penis substitutes, but their womenfolk still listen.
Adam: True, but back to the San Francisco values thing - the biggest thing I noticed when I was out there last year was how seriously that city takes their recycling & composting. One of the people I talked to said that store owners get fined if they sell Styrofoam cups.
Evan: Miley is going to make wingnuts reuse the feedbags they use at Wal-Mart.
Adam: Now, having lived in the South for the majority of my life, I can think of WAY too many instances where typically “Southern” values were way more detrimental to the future of our society than a few dudes wearing promise rings for each other.
Evan: What, you mean the way they cling to guns and religion? And what do you mean, “a few dudes?” I guess you’re including Carlos the pool boy and Tchad the house boy in this unbiblical marriage?
Adam: I was thinking more of the younger gay dudes who are waiting for marriage. But no, more like how they cling to guns and religion, eat shitty food, have never left the country, have no desire to, want to start wars with every other country in the world, joyfully talk about how they don’t read books, enjoy shitty art, give in to every accidental pregnancy, and proudly claim how they’re better than everyone else
Evan: Oh, that. Wait, what is this “shitty art” they’re supposedly enjoying?
Adam: ICP…
Evan: Fucking Magnets, indeed.
Adam: Nickelback…Hinder…Evanescence…Vin Diesel…Michael Bay…southern rap…
Evan: Stop, you’re bringing too many godawful images into my head at once.
Adam: Wrestling. Alright, I’m done.
Evan: Okay, but here’s the thing, going back to the actual “content” of the piece…Monster truck rallies…Okay. So. Okay, but another thing, back to the beginning. In the first paragraph he claims that liberals are losing the pop culture wars, and then cites radio (?!) as his evidence. Radio is dying, and is only listened to really by people whose fingers are too scabby and old to work the wheel on an iPod. But THEN in paragraph three, he says that all genres of music are “hopey changey” except country. So, the fat guy with the greasy hair whose hygiene we are supposed to envy has contradicted himself, I think!
Adam: I think his posting this on the internet inherently contradicts his point.
Evan: Especially when you consider that, on a much smaller scale than ICP (because come on, Andrew Breitbart’s Big Douche websites don’t have anywhere near the reach of Insane Clown Posse), the second this thing was posted, half the libtard internet was making fun of it, chortling as we do in our condescending way.
Adam: Which, I think, means that WE are winning the culture war…
Evan: Which, duh, if you read this Amanda Marcotte piece on THAT VERY SUBJECT. Our cultural values ARE liberal values, which is why wingnuts have to find respite in the ghettos of Contemporary Christian Music, AM radio, and re-runs of Everybody Loves Raymond.
Adam: Actually, Christopher Hitchens has a whole chapter about that in God Is Not Great. But another great thing I noticed in the article are the shouts-out to the values of both King David and the Black Eyed Peas? GOLDEN. One, wasn’t King David supposed to be “a man after god’s own heart?” I mean, that says a lot about god, but that’s another conversation for another day. But secondly, since when did Christians start hating biblical heroes?
Evan: King David loved Jonathan’s boner more than the boner of any woman (direct quote) long before he fucked Bathsheba. David was just a whore.
Adam: Yea, he had thousands of concubines too, so he clearly was a sex addict. But the Black Eyed Peas? Really, that’s just more shitty art that Middle America loves to embrace. Oh, also Carlos Mencia.
Evan: Favorite line in the whole piece: “Her actions bordered on sexting.” Tell THAT to the judge. “I wouldn’t have given her that early teen afterglow, but her actions bordered on sexting.”
Evan: Second favorite line: referring to Christianity as the “official religion” of the country music industry. Take that, Jews!
Adam: I also noticed how out of touch this guy really is with the culture of his own favorite music. Like you said before, he mentions the Dixie Chicks and basically says that country fans shunned them? They won a Grammy. Didn’t they also go multi-platinum worldwide?
Evan: Yeah, but a lot of hicks DID feel like Natalie Maines had castrated one of their favorite penises, that which resideth under the codpiece of the flight suit sayin’ “Misshin ‘Complished.” And country radio stopped playing them, but then millions of smarter, better fans took their places. And at the end he’s all “NOW I’M NOT SUGGESTING THAT THERE’S A SECRET MILEY CYRUS CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ALIENS AND BUTTSEX.”
Adam: Well, that’s the thing. If the album’s selling, who cares who’s buying? So hillbillies stopped buying, but untold millions started, so who actually lost that battle?
Evan: But again we go back to the wingnut mindset, in which they are the “real Murkans” and they will still be the “real Murkans” in 30 years, even when most of them have died out and they comprise 20% of the population.
Adam: True, but I think we’re straying too far from Miley at this point. Point is she’s a moderately-talented singer with great connections, packaged as a sex symbol to teenage Middle America, and we’re worried about her values system? What fucking year is it? I mean, if quoting Jeff Foxworthy proves your point (and likewise if you actually invite Victoria Jackson & Jim Labriola to speak at your political events), haven’t you just basically invalidated your whole viewpoint?
Evan: And why the hell are we talking about Miley Cyrus as a country star?! Miley Cyrus bettur stay away from cuntry’n’western music goddammit, ain’t gon’ have no San Francisco Treats up in my biscuits ‘n’ gravy, mmmhuh.
Adam: And this one dude, who thinks he’s speaking for all country fans, is flailing his arms in the air while the majority of the guys he identifies with are masturbating furiously over a Hannah Montana album cover. So, I’m guessing he probably is too? I mean, I certainly am.
Evan: Gross. But I think, at heart, this is a resentment piece.
Adam: Because he’s this guy?
Evan: Something like that.
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