“Oh the power and the glory Just when you’re getting a taste for worship They start bringing out the hammers And the boards And the nails”
Listening to this song it occurs to me that it used to take a lot longer for artists to get to the point in their careers when “what does it mean to be a famous artist?” would stop being the subtext and start being the central theme of their work. (The subsequent phase is “jazz, and let’s all worry about global warming and strange diseases” if we’re going on the Joni model). Nowadays, of course, self-reflexive musings on metafame start cropping up around the time of someone’s second Gawker post.
It also occurs to me that Joni is a hilarious and brilliant lyricist, playing with that tension of “I’m comparing myself to the crucified Jesus, or, come on, that’s ridiculously pompous, I’m making a joke about comparing myself to Jesus (but at the same time I’m actually still doing it.)” It’s about a million light years away from “the way things are going, they’re going to crucify me,” although, well. Also: “I know I seem ungrateful with my teeth sunk in the hand/that brings me things I really can’t give up just yet.”
Adam: I have no idea. I believe his name means “touched by an angel” in Italian.
Evan: Most Italian words translate into “touched by an angel,” I believe. This is why Della Reese becomes so flustered when she is in Florence.
Adam: ”I’m just sittin’ here tryin’ to eat my gelato, child!”
Evan: Anyway, so this Paul Provenza character is on the Showtimes! He was the producer and director of The Aristocrats! And he looks nothing like Della Reese, who, trivia time, was born with the first name “Delloreese.” That is where it comes from!
Adam: Where what comes from? The expression, “Oh, Delloreese!”? As in, “Oh, delloreese! I must’ve left my Snackwells in the cubby!”
Evan: Dellofuckingreese, Tiffany, Snackwells are food, not love.
Evan: Please go listen to this right now. And I’m not a “remix” kind of person, but that’s what you’re getting, because I cannot stop listening to it today. If you’d like to hear the original, go here.
"This is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization
It’s the sound of the unlocking and the lift away.”
Evan: I’m really impressed with his excitable trailer trash wife.
Adam: I enjoyed her choice of insults. “Lesbian shitasses,” “cuntness,” & “classy piss.”
Evan: And the reaction, from the Salon piece: “I’ve been meaning to talk to the ladies at Jezebel about their lesbo cuntness — and how it stacks up against Scott Baio’s piss.”
Adam: “You know, that doesn’t exactly say ‘My piss is really classy.’” Ha!
Evan: Right. Because in all my days of watching Charles in Charge as a child, I was thinking “Whatever else is the case, that is a man with some classy piss. Far more than his friend Buddy, at least, who is always late.”
Adam: Yea, well Scott Baio wasn’t as full of classy piss back then. He did fuck Pamela Anderson, after all.
Evan: Did he? Gross. I’m guessing his piss got classier when he met “Renee.”
Adam: Yea, he was like the first “famous” guy she let inside her.
Adam: I didn’t realize it until yesterday (because I never actually WANTED to see this movie), but Stephen Baldwin has a cameo in Fred Claus, playing himself, that’s actually pretty funny.
Evan: I’ll file that away for future reference.
Adam: Yea. Save that one for a rainy day.
Evan: Um, yeah. The only good thing about Stephen Baldwin’s bankruptcy (besides the fact that everything about it is hilarious) is that Alec will probably make fun of it in public at some point.
Adam: I hope he does, as Alec Baldwin has never been better.
Evan: Haha, so I just realized something about the Restore Stephen Baldwin thing, though. Isn’t that what they call it when guys decide to, well, restore their foreskins? Maybe that’s what this is about. In which case, I wouldn’t be all that surprised at the way he’s going about it. Also, he’s comparing himself to Job, which is just pathetic.
Adam: Wait…you can restore your foreskin?
Evan: I think it’s possible.
Adam: Like the nerve endings too?
Evan: I don’t know about that part.
Adam: These are questions you have to ask, Evan. If there’s a magical operation that’ll make sex feel even better, then I need to know.
Evan: I don’t think it’s a magical operation. More of a sustained undertaking.
Adam: Well, I require immediate gratification at all times, so…I guess it’s not for me.
Evan: Yeah, I heard. Which creates a conundrum, since wingnut anti-gay folks also think that soy makes you gay. So we’re caught swinging on a pendulum between being carnivores and vegetarians, but unfortunately we’re swinging between two giant testicles, so, you know, hawt. Oh, Jesus Christ, Utah is going to execute someone via firing squad. Great. And Mormons were so close to convincing us they weren’t a cult. SO close. Just one pair of magic underpants and a hundred extra wives away. And one pair of magic glasses. And one angel named Moroni. And one belief that Coca-Cola constitutes sin. And one belief that every married couple that dies gets to be rulers of their own planet.
Adam: Unless they’re black…
Evan: OH right, not even Michael Steele can REALLY go to Mormon heaven. I mean, he can apply for a job there.
Evan: This quote, from the imam or whatever: “It doesn’t matter what your favorite crackers or cookies are. They are not more important than the hegemonic wars the West is fighting against Islam.” Um, you have obviously not tried my Snackwells, you radical theocratic piece of shit?
Evan: OMG they’re playing Marry, Fuck, Kill with the Fox & Friends crew!
Adam: Yea, and I tend to agree with every one of their choices.
Evan: That is a very hard game to play, because I can’t imagine marrying or fucking any of them under any scenario. Maybe Brian Kilmeade with a bag over his head. But still.
Adam: Leave Kimberly Guilfoyle for me.
Evan: I do not know who that is, but she is not one of the principals on Fox & Frenz
Adam: I’m not familiar with her either, but from her picture she looks like she’ll do (of course, she’ll never hold the special place in my heart that Robin Meade does). But rather than kill them all, I think it’d be fun to put them all on a deserted island together and set up cameras so that I may enjoy the outcome, a la Lord of the Flies.
Evan: I like how the writer proffers no explanation for why Steve Doocy deserves the “kill” spot, because it’s self-evident.
Adam: Same with Malkin & Glenn Beck.
Evan: YEP, just noticed with Malkin.
Adam: Oh, and that fucking hyena Bill Kristol..
Evan: Totally self-explanatory. BUT, in case you need a reminder why Malkin is not qualified for either fuck or marry, there’s always that YouTube video of her in a cheerleading uniform spazzing out trying to spell “loser” with her body.
Adam: Haha, I’ve never seen that.
Evan: Oh, every time she tries to do the “E” I lose it.
Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey, y'all. It's for the Kingdom, dammit.
Evan: I’m warning you right now, you can’t unsee this video of a buncha Christians speaking not in tongues, but in Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey. (Just kidding, they speak in tongues too.) And yes, these people are being HEALED through the Hokey Pokey. Hallelujar!
My favorite part is when the shouty beardaddy pastor starts yelling for the crowd to do the Hokey Pokey “by faith,” as if there’s any OTHER way to do the Hokey Pokey.
Also? I would totally do the hokey pokey with that singer. Just sayin’.
Evan: Um, so I don’t like how everything people used to be a “fan of” on Facebook is now just things they “like”
Adam: Yea, I noticed that too.
Evan: And I sort of wonder why I have an opinion on this, but I do.
Evan: That I don’t like everybody liking things.
Adam: I just think it implied a different level of commitment to say that you were a “fan” of something rather than just “liking” it.
Evan: There should be a button for that that goes out to your whole friends list. "Evan does not like all of you liking things, in general."
Adam: You could make that your status…very easily. I just thought they’d tackle the whole dislike button thing before tinkering with the things that were working for them.
Evan: They’re always tinkering with things that already work. Like the way they redesign the site every 6 months.
Adam: And everyone always cries about it when nothing really changes.
Evan: Except there’s always like one thing that gets dumber.
Adam: Soon you’ll see your friends joining groups called “I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN FACEBOOK ALLOWED ME TO BE A ‘FAN’ OF NOT BEING GANGRAPED BY A GROUP OF HAITIANS!”
Evan: The things I hate about FB are the arbitrary things.
Adam: Such as?
Evan: Like the 5000 friend max.
Adam: There’s a friend max? I mean, I’ll never get up to 5000, so I don’t care.
Evan: Yep. The people who run up against it are public figures who are down to earth enough to actually be friends with their readers/listeners, etc.
Adam: Meh. They can always just create a fan page.
Evan: Like, I keep getting a friend suggestion to add Neil Patrick Harris, b/c I have like 15 mutual friends with him, but he’s at the max, and when you try to add him it says “Sorry, this user already has too many friends.” Judge much, Facebook?
Adam: At least you know that it’s Facebook doing it, because NPH would never do that.
Evan: Oh, of course not. He’s as sweet as he can be.