July 1, 2010
Evan:  Goddammit, I hate Twilight.  SPOILERS aplenty in this piece, but if you hate Twilight as much as I do, you’re not going to see it anyway, so just read this handy summary.
tylercoates:

So I saw Eclipse. Here is my review, presented in my patented bulleted style for your reading pleasure. Spoilers ahead, etc.
The highlight of the night was the trailer for the very serious Zac Efron film, Corky St. Clair Charlie St. Cloud, which is basically Ordinary People but with ghosts and the unfortunate absence of Judd Hirsch in a shawl sweater. But I still want to throw one into Zac Efron. 
There were some interesting casting choices in this one, particularly replacing some nobody with Bryce Dallas Howard in the role of VIctoria, the evil redheaded vampire who is really helping us get past the growing trend of gingerism that is sweeping the nation. I only assume she was in this movie because of her hair color and because her daddy is famous. According to Wikipedia, which is always right, she passed on the role in the original film because it was too small of a part, but I guess the wardrobe from Antropologie was enough to convince her to join the cast and deliver five lines of dialogue in this one. 
This movie focuses on Victoria building an army of newborn vampires, which is wonderful because we needed more characters who look like hair models. We’re told that vampires are the strongest during the first few months of being undead, which goes against every normal and rational idea that I had about vampires. Silly me for assuming (based on every other vampire story) that they grow stronger with age! Then again, this franchise is “subverting” the genre by giving the vampires sparkly skin and bodies that are apparently made of fragile glass while still maintaining the age-old truth that women are weak and need to be protected until marriage.
Ho ho, you say! There’s a lady werewolf in this one! I was too busy wondering how her tank top remained intact whenever she Hulked-out and shape-shifted into a ten-foot-long wolf. Perhaps it is made of the same magical material the mystical Indian tribe made for Jacob’s jorts. 
The film remained true to the spirit of the series in that it was one hundred minutes of exposition, ten minutes of “battle,” and ten minutes of Edward Cullen moping while Bella stuttered all of her feelings. 
But back to the vampire army! It was led by a kid named Riley, who looked exactly like Brandon Teena as played by Hilary Swank. This is the first time outside of gay porn in which I have encountered someone named Riley. I hope Breaking Dawn features characters named Chase, Dakota, Marc, Addison, and Willis. 
There is a Jasper, because of course there is a Jasper, who tells Bella through a flashback sequence that he was turned into a vampire during the Civil War by Maria Full of Grace. On the one hand, good for her! A big movie! But: is she just the go-to actress for Hispanic characters named Maria? 
Don’t forget Anna Kendrick, ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE, whose character delivered the valedictory at Bella’s graduation. It was thematically important because it told her, via a joke about how philosophy majors won’t have real jobs, that she shouldn’t make final decisions at such a young age. But Bella is an eighteen-year-old who lives in a town called “Forks,” so she knows more about life than the rest of us. Doyeeee.
Bella wants to take Edward to the bone zone pretty badly, and she almost gets it until Edward is like, “you know it will hurt when my vampire dick rips apart your precious vagina,” so they decide to wait until marriage, because Edward has a moral code that dates back to a time in which men courted women and went on chaperoned dates, a moral code that totally has nothing to do with God because it’s not like this is some religious allegory about not fucking outside of wedlock or anything. 
Speaking of old timey times, Rosalie, Edward’s cranky sister, has a flashback in which she gets gang-raped by a bunch of dudes led by the Great Gatsby and Nick Carroway. She was turned into a vampire by one of the nice ones who found her on the brink of death. Yay for women! 
Don’t forget the budding sexual tension between Bella and hunky Jacob! First, I’d like to express my disappointment that Taylor Lautner doesn’t take off his shirt for, like, forty-five minutes. Before we get to see his bare chest (which thankfully is out and about for the rest of the film), we have to listen to Jacob whine about Bella not liking him and shit. Then he gives some IMPORTANT FORESHADOWING (I know this because I read the synopses of these dumb books on Wikipedia): he talks about “imprinting,” which is a heteronormative practice in which his werewolf bros attach themselves to their lady friends. Sam, the leader, imprinted on some girl even though he has a girlfriend, and everyone is just OK with that. I mean, duh, this is all polygamy and sealing and shit, right?
(Insert joke about Jacob imprinting himself all over my face. Team Jacob!)
Things get super heated between Jacob and Edward! Then the three of them go camping in a blizzard and Bella is freezing, so Jacob has to spoon her so that she can keep warm while Edward watches. Once she falls asleep, the two of them get all bromo and talk about how much they love her. The next morning Bella meets Jacob on top of a mountain in a Thomas Kincaid painting and kisses him, but then decides that she loves Edward more. 
Boring! Let’s have a vampire battle now! The good vampires and the wolves join forces against the bad vampires. Then Edward kills that ginger bitch, who totally deserved it, right? Fuck gingers!
Oh wait, we have to talk about Dakota Fanning! She’s a member of the Volturi, a group of Eurotrash vampires who wear clothes from Zara. But, like, the Rome Zara, not the Old Orchard Zara. 
FINALLY the movie ends with Bella and Edward chillin’ in the shadiest (yet treeless) meadow ever, and she’s like “I will totally marry you a month before my birthday so we can finally fuck and you can turn me into a vampire.” The date is important because she doesn’t want to be a year older than Edward, which just goes to show you that she absolutely mature and of sane mind. 
As I was leaving the theater I thought, “Hey, only one more of these!” And then I remembered that Breaking Dawn will be released in two parts, because the universe hates me.

Evan:  Goddammit, I hate Twilight.  SPOILERS aplenty in this piece, but if you hate Twilight as much as I do, you’re not going to see it anyway, so just read this handy summary.

tylercoates:

So I saw Eclipse. Here is my review, presented in my patented bulleted style for your reading pleasure. Spoilers ahead, etc.

  • The highlight of the night was the trailer for the very serious Zac Efron film, Corky St. Clair Charlie St. Cloud, which is basically Ordinary People but with ghosts and the unfortunate absence of Judd Hirsch in a shawl sweater. But I still want to throw one into Zac Efron.
  • There were some interesting casting choices in this one, particularly replacing some nobody with Bryce Dallas Howard in the role of VIctoria, the evil redheaded vampire who is really helping us get past the growing trend of gingerism that is sweeping the nation. I only assume she was in this movie because of her hair color and because her daddy is famous. According to Wikipedia, which is always right, she passed on the role in the original film because it was too small of a part, but I guess the wardrobe from Antropologie was enough to convince her to join the cast and deliver five lines of dialogue in this one.
  • This movie focuses on Victoria building an army of newborn vampires, which is wonderful because we needed more characters who look like hair models. We’re told that vampires are the strongest during the first few months of being undead, which goes against every normal and rational idea that I had about vampires. Silly me for assuming (based on every other vampire story) that they grow stronger with age! Then again, this franchise is “subverting” the genre by giving the vampires sparkly skin and bodies that are apparently made of fragile glass while still maintaining the age-old truth that women are weak and need to be protected until marriage.
  • Ho ho, you say! There’s a lady werewolf in this one! I was too busy wondering how her tank top remained intact whenever she Hulked-out and shape-shifted into a ten-foot-long wolf. Perhaps it is made of the same magical material the mystical Indian tribe made for Jacob’s jorts.
  • The film remained true to the spirit of the series in that it was one hundred minutes of exposition, ten minutes of “battle,” and ten minutes of Edward Cullen moping while Bella stuttered all of her feelings.
  • But back to the vampire army! It was led by a kid named Riley, who looked exactly like Brandon Teena as played by Hilary Swank. This is the first time outside of gay porn in which I have encountered someone named Riley. I hope Breaking Dawn features characters named Chase, Dakota, Marc, Addison, and Willis.
  • There is a Jasper, because of course there is a Jasper, who tells Bella through a flashback sequence that he was turned into a vampire during the Civil War by Maria Full of Grace. On the one hand, good for her! A big movie! But: is she just the go-to actress for Hispanic characters named Maria?
  • Don’t forget Anna Kendrick, ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE, whose character delivered the valedictory at Bella’s graduation. It was thematically important because it told her, via a joke about how philosophy majors won’t have real jobs, that she shouldn’t make final decisions at such a young age. But Bella is an eighteen-year-old who lives in a town called “Forks,” so she knows more about life than the rest of us. Doyeeee.
  • Bella wants to take Edward to the bone zone pretty badly, and she almost gets it until Edward is like, “you know it will hurt when my vampire dick rips apart your precious vagina,” so they decide to wait until marriage, because Edward has a moral code that dates back to a time in which men courted women and went on chaperoned dates, a moral code that totally has nothing to do with God because it’s not like this is some religious allegory about not fucking outside of wedlock or anything.
  • Speaking of old timey times, Rosalie, Edward’s cranky sister, has a flashback in which she gets gang-raped by a bunch of dudes led by the Great Gatsby and Nick Carroway. She was turned into a vampire by one of the nice ones who found her on the brink of death. Yay for women!
  • Don’t forget the budding sexual tension between Bella and hunky Jacob! First, I’d like to express my disappointment that Taylor Lautner doesn’t take off his shirt for, like, forty-five minutes. Before we get to see his bare chest (which thankfully is out and about for the rest of the film), we have to listen to Jacob whine about Bella not liking him and shit. Then he gives some IMPORTANT FORESHADOWING (I know this because I read the synopses of these dumb books on Wikipedia): he talks about “imprinting,” which is a heteronormative practice in which his werewolf bros attach themselves to their lady friends. Sam, the leader, imprinted on some girl even though he has a girlfriend, and everyone is just OK with that. I mean, duh, this is all polygamy and sealing and shit, right?
  • (Insert joke about Jacob imprinting himself all over my face. Team Jacob!)
  • Things get super heated between Jacob and Edward! Then the three of them go camping in a blizzard and Bella is freezing, so Jacob has to spoon her so that she can keep warm while Edward watches. Once she falls asleep, the two of them get all bromo and talk about how much they love her. The next morning Bella meets Jacob on top of a mountain in a Thomas Kincaid painting and kisses him, but then decides that she loves Edward more.
  • Boring! Let’s have a vampire battle now! The good vampires and the wolves join forces against the bad vampires. Then Edward kills that ginger bitch, who totally deserved it, right? Fuck gingers!
  • Oh wait, we have to talk about Dakota Fanning! She’s a member of the Volturi, a group of Eurotrash vampires who wear clothes from Zara. But, like, the Rome Zara, not the Old Orchard Zara.
  • FINALLY the movie ends with Bella and Edward chillin’ in the shadiest (yet treeless) meadow ever, and she’s like “I will totally marry you a month before my birthday so we can finally fuck and you can turn me into a vampire.” The date is important because she doesn’t want to be a year older than Edward, which just goes to show you that she absolutely mature and of sane mind.
  • As I was leaving the theater I thought, “Hey, only one more of these!” And then I remembered that Breaking Dawn will be released in two parts, because the universe hates me.

June 30, 2010
Adam:  Yea, he calls me a bitch, but look at how he caved.
That’s right. 
CAVED.
Evan:  OH LOOK WHOSE KEYS TO TUMBLR SUDDENLY WORK AGAIN.

Adam:  Yea, he calls me a bitch, but look at how he caved.

That’s right. 

CAVED.

Evan:  OH LOOK WHOSE KEYS TO TUMBLR SUDDENLY WORK AGAIN.

June 22, 2010
Short & Sweet #4: Wrap It Up!

Evan:  Condoms and taco sauce in equal quantities on my nightstand.  Don’t know what that means.

Adam:  I’m pretty sure it all depends on what the sauce packets say.  I’m assuming they’re the “witty” ones from Taco Bell, of course.

Evan:  We have a “Will you scratch my back?”  Heh.  We have two “Ahhh…we meet again”s.  And we have a “Help!  I can’t tell where I am!  It’s dark and I can hear laughing.”  So great, Taco Bell gave me rape sauce.  Thanks.

Adam:  So the condoms are there to cancel out the rape sauce.  Which I think puts you at zero…as if there were nothing on your nightstand at all.

Evan:  Feng Shui for the Not-So-Finicky Faggot.

June 19, 2010
Book Report: ‘My Dream of You’ by Nuala O’Faolain

DISCLAIMER:  No offense, Irish people!

Evan:  This book blows ass and I hate the main character.

Adam:  That’s the best book report ever.

Evan:  Extended version:  She’s an obnoxious self-centered taint, and I wanted her to die, or otherwise fail in some way, you know, a sort of reverse coming of age story, or maybe have the very Irish author all of a sudden stop talking about impoverished potatoes and sadness for five seconds and have a robot come in and hack her to pieces, but NO, so this is a shitty book. 

Adam:  Yeah, that’s the same reason I didn’t like The Third Policeman by Flann OBrien — incredibly Irish and no homicidal robots.

Evan:  Maybe one day I’ll finish the book.* I put it down a year ago and haven’t been able to read a full book since, due to the fact that the author ruined literature forever.  Also featured in the book?  Deep, detailed descriptions of middle-aged heterosexual sex, involving GRAPHIC, DISGUSTING portraits of shuddering vulvas and the like.  I actually threw this book against the wall at one point because the author grossed me out so much.

Adam:  [Insert joke about shuddering Irish vulvae here.]

Evan:  Oh, you’re making jokes?  Obviously the Irish Vulva Famine didn’t affect the women in your family. 

*Ha ha, like hell. 

June 3, 2010

"Perhaps Stephen Baldwin will never be as erect as he was…”

maxsilvestri:

Gabe and I showed this video at last night’s Benefit For Stephen Baldwin* at the Bell House. We’ve had our own competing ministry to help Mr. Baldwin for years now (we gather children up in vans, in order to send Hollywood a message re: Mr. Baldwin) and would appreciate some recognition.

June 1, 2010
Israel Acts Like Giant Twatwaffle, Forces Gay/Countergay To Get All Serious And Shit

(Image taken from NY Daily News)

Evan: So, the people calling people anti-semitic for being pissed off at Israel today obv don’t know many American Jews.  I just don’t buy that version of the story that Israel’s selling, and I don’t think anyone else does either. It was a freaking aid supply ship, for god’s sake, but allowing it through would force people to pay attention to the apartheid state Israel has created with Gaza. Even the response from AIPAC has been tepid. Everybody pretty much seems to get that Israel has really gone and done something awful, and it’s a direct result of the government they’ve allowed to take hold over there.

Adam: Well, I have an opinion on this. Israel was wrong, BUT I can see their reasoning for boarding the ships. If those vessels were carrying rockets, weapons, CBR  materials, or fighters, then Israel would be irresponsible NOT to conduct a thorough boarding (for the sake of both Israelis & Palestinians). So I don’t fault them for the boarding. The pre-boarding briefing probably got those individual IDF members on edge because they truly didn’t know what they were walking into. Yes, there were many civilians onboard and this was a high-profile event, but let’s not forget the guilt both sides share in the ongoing escalation of this conflict (it’s not exactly like Islamic extremists haven’t used human shields before or would think twice before blowing those ships up with Israelis & civilians onboard). So those boarding team members were probably a bit nervous and probably trigger happy. They were clearly outnumbered (since most boarding teams consist of about 12-15 personnel), and once they got onboard and had to corral and detain all those personnel (who did NOT want to cooperate), that’s when shit got out of hand. So Israel is responsible for what happened, but this is an old story. Civilians like to act like they’re invincible in the presence of armed military/police personnel and then are dumbfounded when people get hurt or killed.

Evan: My thing, Adam, is that, as you said, this was an EXTREMELY high-profile, highly-publicized event. The IDF knew exactly who was coming on that flotilla, and they knew that it wasn’t Islamic extremists. I get why they boarded the ships, as a matter of protocol. And Israel’s statements in defense are truly indefensible, the way they’re clinging to some sort of bullshit about the activists being “violent.” Sure, they were, but proportionately to the IDF’s violence?  It’s not even a contest.  But remember, part of the outrage about this is that this is not an isolated event. Israel has been pulling this shit with escalating frequency for years now, and this wouldn’t be happening at all if Israel wasn’t clinging to a pathetic claim that they have the right to do anything they want in the name of “protecting themselves” from the Palestinian people, who they’ve been essentially starving to death behind walls, literal and figurative. And then some militant Palestinian hurls a rocket over the border, and Israel’s response is to massacre as many of their people as they possibly can. It was the same thing in the Lebanon war. I’m just getting sick of the “poor, put-upon Israel” act. They’re clearly one of the most dangerous nations in that region, and they have multiple nukes that they seem to be more and more trigger happy to use if somebody looks at them funny. OH AND the fact that this happened in fucking international waters, which Israel does not own, despite the fact that being reminded of that might make Israel have a sad and a self-esteem problem and feel the need to launch a warhead at Malta to make them feel better.

Glenn Greenwald:

"So, to recap what seems thus far to be the central claim of Israel apologists: Israel is the official Owner of international waters (which is where the flotilla was when it was attacked). As such, they have the right to issue orders to ships in international waters, and everyone on board those ships is required to obey and submit. Anyone who fails to do so, or anyone in the vicinity of those who fail to do so, can be shot and killed and get what they deserve."

And as to the point about the activists’ violence, as well, Andrew Sullivan sums it up pretty well, with video:

"A simple point. The violence by the activists is pretty abhorrent. These are not followers of Gandhi or MLK Jr. But the violence is not fatal to anyone and it is in response to a dawn commando raid by armed soldiers. They are engaging in self-defense. More to the point: they are civilians confronting one of the best militaries in the world. They killed no soldiers; their weapons were improvised; the death toll in the fight is now deemed to be up to 19 - all civilians.

It staggers me to read defenses of what the Israelis have done. They attacked a civilian flotilla in international waters breaking no law. When they met fierce if asymmetric resistance, they opened fire. And we are now being asked to regard the Israelis as the victims.

Seriously.”

Of course they didn’t want the press. They’re the ones systematically oppressing the Palestinian people all under the mantle of victimhood.  I bet the US gave them the green light to do this, in which case, wow.  The more I read about it, the more damning it is for Israel.  Media aboard the flotilla reported that the IDF started firing before they boarded.  Plus, the flotilla was NATO-flagged. Yeeeeeah. Big “terrorist danger” there. In international waters.

Good lord.

Adam: BUT you have to look at it this way (from the soldiers’ perspective): they may have ONLY been trying to hit the armed soldiers with lead pipes, but the first thing that tells that boarding team about their mindset is that they aren’t concerned about their own lives, much less those of the IDF.  What if one of those “peace” activists were able to disarm an Israeli soldier and open fire on their team?  Now, reasonable escalation of force should first include non-lethal measures like steel retractable batons & OC spray, but if those measures weren’t enough, then bullets would certainly be the next logical step. The way that military & police forces are trained is to anticipate escalation and to execute certain pre-planned responses to minimize the danger to their teammates.  It’s really easy to label these guys one way or another, but you have to understand that from their standpoint, they were just following orders. Once those activists got violent, they had to make a quick decision about how best to protect their team. Again, I’m not an Israeli apologist, but I can say with certainty that most effective military or police forces in the world would’ve reacted in a similar way.  Btw - I doubt the US gave them the green light to do anything (or would’ve even had to).  Nobody over here cares much what we Americans think.

Evan: A couple of things, though:

  1. Again, they flew out into international waters and boarded that ship, which was legal and NATO-flagged. That was an act of aggression in and of itself.
  2. We already know that they were sent without the usual arms for a boarding situation like that, but rather followed an aggressive protocol. This after the captain of the ship had already diverted course away to avoid a confrontation at night.
  3. In international waters!

My read is that the Free Gaza people set Israel up to prove how fucking stupid they are, and it was a success.

Adam: International maritime law is tricky. Any flagged military vessel basically has the right to board & search just about any civilian vessel, regardless of the flag they fly.  Ships of all nations are boarded in international waters all the time. That, in and of itself, is no crime or act of war. And incidentally, diverting a course is actually a strategy of resistance, not compliance. Protocol would have been to slow their speed and assemble personnel topside to allow the boarding team access and show good faith. That type of compliance can mean the difference between life and death, and any ship’s master knows that. So we need to stop downplaying the actions of the Free Gaza people. There was no misunderstanding about their actions. These people were apparently willing to die for their cause, because they actively opposed the boarding, knowing full well what the consequences of their actions would be.  And, incidentally, I don’t pity those who get killed in these types of circumstances. They’re willing to die, and they choose their course of action in line with their beliefs. I just don’t feel bad for them. If they had wanted to live more than they wanted to prove their point, they’d still be alive.

Evan: My understanding, though, is that they diverted and held back a while before the boarding took place. The Israelis had to fly miles out into international waters to board.  But again, and I keep coming back to this: I understand that they board and search all the time. But they knew exactly what this flotilla was doing, and moreover, they knew who was on those vessels. They knew there were 25 members of the EU Parliament on those vessels. They knew there were aid workers from all over the Western world, as well as the Middle East. So, knowing what they knew, you have to see that Israel made a fully informed choice to go start shit with the flotilla. I don’t buy that they were nervous or anything, because they knew that they weren’t directly threatened by the flotilla. I DO buy that they were trigger-happy, because Israel, as a nation, is trigger-happy. As Norman Finkelstein put it earlier today, the question is whether Israel is BECOMING a fucking lunatic state, or whether they already ARE.

Adam: The implication in the Huffington Post article was that they diverted course in order to prolong the event and have their altercation in daylight for more publicity. I just can’t pity them. These aren’t innocent civilians in the sense that they were just minding their own business, not trying to bother anyone.

Evan:  Oh, I never said that. There are very specific political implications to the way this was carried out. I just happen to agree more with the broad coalition who organized the flotilla than I agree with anything Israel ever says or does.  Indeed, though, the flotilla has worn its symbology on its sleeve. One of the ships coming in by Wednesday, which the Israelis have already said they’re going to seize, is the Rachel Corrie. Will they seize it, or will they bulldoze it?  Meanwhile, the entire event is symbolically linked with the Uris novel Exodus, about the Zionists breaking the British blockade of Palestine.

Adam: Yea, I can understand that, and I’m not trying to defend their actions explicitly. I’m more just pointing out that under the circumstances, I don’t think the members of the IDF boarding teams did anything outside of protocol given the orders they received. I don’t fault them for how they responded.  That being said, the people to blame in this are those who gave them their orders.

Evan: Bingo.  And the people running Israel right now are lunatics.

May 29, 2010
Evan:  Man, I have a hard enough time ordering at Chinese restaurants, so this would be particularly onerous for me.  Don’t they just have an appetizer sampler or something?
alexblagg:

filthyphil:

Brothel menu, via 1912

“One ‘Pinkey’s Special’, please.”

Evan:  Man, I have a hard enough time ordering at Chinese restaurants, so this would be particularly onerous for me.  Don’t they just have an appetizer sampler or something?

alexblagg:

filthyphil:

Brothel menu, via 1912

“One ‘Pinkey’s Special’, please.”

May 27, 2010
alexblagg:

Who’s gonna step up and be the first hipster I push off this bike?

Um, I dunno, but there’s a certain ex-pat contingent from a certain Southern town which is sure to have a worthy candidate.
-Evan (and surely, in spirit, Adam)

alexblagg:

Who’s gonna step up and be the first hipster I push off this bike?

Um, I dunno, but there’s a certain ex-pat contingent from a certain Southern town which is sure to have a worthy candidate.

-Evan (and surely, in spirit, Adam)

May 27, 2010
savagemike:

pandyland:

blameaspartame:

(via cuntpunt)




 Saw this a few years ago, but things like this don’t actually STOP being funny.
- Adam

savagemike:

pandyland:

blameaspartame:

(via cuntpunt)

 Saw this a few years ago, but things like this don’t actually STOP being funny.

- Adam

May 25, 2010
"IS ME AN JESUS JUST GOIN 2 PRETTY MUCH CONSTANTLY FIGHT DEMONS?"

Thank you, Lamebook.

- Adam

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