Evan: Goddammit, I hate Twilight. SPOILERS aplenty in this piece, but if you hate Twilight as much as I do, you’re not going to see it anyway, so just read this handy summary.
So I saw Eclipse. Here is my review, presented in my patented bulleted style for your reading pleasure. Spoilers ahead, etc.
- The highlight of the night was the trailer for the very serious Zac Efron film,
Corky St. ClairCharlie St. Cloud, which is basically Ordinary People but with ghosts and the unfortunate absence of Judd Hirsch in a shawl sweater. But I still want to throw one into Zac Efron.
- There were some interesting casting choices in this one, particularly replacing some nobody with Bryce Dallas Howard in the role of VIctoria, the evil redheaded vampire who is really helping us get past the growing trend of gingerism that is sweeping the nation. I only assume she was in this movie because of her hair color and because her daddy is famous. According to Wikipedia, which is always right, she passed on the role in the original film because it was too small of a part, but I guess the wardrobe from Antropologie was enough to convince her to join the cast and deliver five lines of dialogue in this one.
- This movie focuses on Victoria building an army of newborn vampires, which is wonderful because we needed more characters who look like hair models. We’re told that vampires are the strongest during the first few months of being undead, which goes against every normal and rational idea that I had about vampires. Silly me for assuming (based on every other vampire story) that they grow stronger with age! Then again, this franchise is “subverting” the genre by giving the vampires sparkly skin and bodies that are apparently made of fragile glass while still maintaining the age-old truth that women are weak and need to be protected until marriage.
- Ho ho, you say! There’s a lady werewolf in this one! I was too busy wondering how her tank top remained intact whenever she Hulked-out and shape-shifted into a ten-foot-long wolf. Perhaps it is made of the same magical material the mystical Indian tribe made for Jacob’s jorts.
- The film remained true to the spirit of the series in that it was one hundred minutes of exposition, ten minutes of “battle,” and ten minutes of Edward Cullen moping while Bella stuttered all of her feelings.
- But back to the vampire army! It was led by a kid named Riley, who looked exactly like Brandon Teena as played by Hilary Swank. This is the first time outside of gay porn in which I have encountered someone named Riley. I hope Breaking Dawn features characters named Chase, Dakota, Marc, Addison, and Willis.
- There is a Jasper, because of course there is a Jasper, who tells Bella through a flashback sequence that he was turned into a vampire during the Civil War by Maria Full of Grace. On the one hand, good for her! A big movie! But: is she just the go-to actress for Hispanic characters named Maria?
- Don’t forget Anna Kendrick, ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE, whose character delivered the valedictory at Bella’s graduation. It was thematically important because it told her, via a joke about how philosophy majors won’t have real jobs, that she shouldn’t make final decisions at such a young age. But Bella is an eighteen-year-old who lives in a town called “Forks,” so she knows more about life than the rest of us. Doyeeee.
- Bella wants to take Edward to the bone zone pretty badly, and she almost gets it until Edward is like, “you know it will hurt when my vampire dick rips apart your precious vagina,” so they decide to wait until marriage, because Edward has a moral code that dates back to a time in which men courted women and went on chaperoned dates, a moral code that totally has nothing to do with God because it’s not like this is some religious allegory about not fucking outside of wedlock or anything.
- Speaking of old timey times, Rosalie, Edward’s cranky sister, has a flashback in which she gets gang-raped by a bunch of dudes led by the Great Gatsby and Nick Carroway. She was turned into a vampire by one of the nice ones who found her on the brink of death. Yay for women!
- Don’t forget the budding sexual tension between Bella and hunky Jacob! First, I’d like to express my disappointment that Taylor Lautner doesn’t take off his shirt for, like, forty-five minutes. Before we get to see his bare chest (which thankfully is out and about for the rest of the film), we have to listen to Jacob whine about Bella not liking him and shit. Then he gives some IMPORTANT FORESHADOWING (I know this because I read the synopses of these dumb books on Wikipedia): he talks about “imprinting,” which is a heteronormative practice in which his werewolf bros attach themselves to their lady friends. Sam, the leader, imprinted on some girl even though he has a girlfriend, and everyone is just OK with that. I mean, duh, this is all polygamy and sealing and shit, right?
- (Insert joke about Jacob imprinting himself all over my face. Team Jacob!)
- Things get super heated between Jacob and Edward! Then the three of them go camping in a blizzard and Bella is freezing, so Jacob has to spoon her so that she can keep warm while Edward watches. Once she falls asleep, the two of them get all bromo and talk about how much they love her. The next morning Bella meets Jacob on top of a mountain in a Thomas Kincaid painting and kisses him, but then decides that she loves Edward more.
- Boring! Let’s have a vampire battle now! The good vampires and the wolves join forces against the bad vampires. Then Edward kills that ginger bitch, who totally deserved it, right? Fuck gingers!
- Oh wait, we have to talk about Dakota Fanning! She’s a member of the Volturi, a group of Eurotrash vampires who wear clothes from Zara. But, like, the Rome Zara, not the Old Orchard Zara.
- FINALLY the movie ends with Bella and Edward chillin’ in the shadiest (yet treeless) meadow ever, and she’s like “I will totally marry you a month before my birthday so we can finally fuck and you can turn me into a vampire.” The date is important because she doesn’t want to be a year older than Edward, which just goes to show you that she absolutely mature and of sane mind.
- As I was leaving the theater I thought, “Hey, only one more of these!” And then I remembered that Breaking Dawn will be released in two parts, because the universe hates me.